The Gnome in My Office - The Minute Amendment

Robert A. Cohen

East Stroudsburg University

January 2013

I don't usually talk to him, as it reflects poorly on my department if students see one of the professors talking to a little gnome rather than grading or doing other school-related stuff. One day, though, the gnome came out from a particularly tall stack of papers on my desk and looked at me.

"Why so sad?" he asked.

"I'm not sad," I responded. "I'm just a little tired of all this gun control debate the country seems to be having nowadays."

"What seems to be the problem?"

I told the gnome about gun violence and how plans to restrict gun ownership are being met by concerns about gun rights.

"You think that's a problem? That is nothing compared to our problem with sneakers!" he responded.

"Sneakers?! How could there possibly be a debate about sneakers?"

To my surprise, his story had eerie parallels to the gun problem.

"It all has to do with basketball. Our schools are very competitive when it comes to basketball. The school that wins the game gets to control the other school. Needless to say, a school doesn’t challenge another school to a game unless they are pretty sure they will win. And if a school doesn’t accept the challenge, they forfeit the game.

"The reason why basketball plays this special role is because all gnomes are exactly the same height. This makes for a highly competitive basketball game.

"However, every school is looking for an advantage. Gnomes are much better at basketball if they wear sneakers, so every school has their players wear sneakers.

"In the past, whenever our school was challenged, we’d get together the most able-bodied gnomes and go at it. We'd give them their sneakers and they'd do their best in the game. That seemed to work fine.

"At some point, however, other schools started preparing their teams way in advance. Because of that, it was suggested that our school put together a permanent team that can practice together. That way, when the time came for a game, they would be ready."

I was growing impatient. "I really don't see what any of this has to do with gun control," I volunteered.

"I'm getting to that," the gnome responded.

"While everyone agreed that a permanent team was a good idea, trouble started brewing when someone then suggested that players should be allowed wear sneakers all the time. That way, they can get used to them before being called to use them during the game.

"That suggestion immediately raised some red flags, because sneaker-wearing gnomes tend to be bullies. Something about being able to run and jump over other gnomes just goes to their heads and a sneaker-wearing gnome just becomes a bully, picking fights with the non-sneaker-wearing gnomes.

"This was certainly a problem. While a permanent and well-sneakered basketball team was crucial to the security of the school, we also needed to protect the gnomes who weren't on the team.

"Fortunately, a wise gnome had the answer: if everyone in the school was allowed to wear sneakers then no one would have an advantage over anyone else and that would prevent the team members from bullying others.

"Everyone agreed with the wise gnome. With overwhelming support, the school decided that team members would be allowed to wear sneakers all the time as long as the right of other students to likewise wear them was never infringed upon. This was known as the minute amendment, since it took only a minute to pass it (some gnomes argued that it took much less time than that but everyone thought no one would take it seriously if it was called the “second” amendment).

"This seemed to work out okay, but things soon started to get messy.

"For example, some gnomes did not have the money to buy sneakers. These gnomes were more frequently bullied by those who did have sneakers. Of course, it wasn’t the sneakers that did the bullying – it was the gnomes who wore the sneakers.

"But what to do with the bullies?

"The answer was to assign certain gnomes to the bullying patrol. Funds were raised to support a group of special gnomes who would be allowed to wear platform sneakers, so that they can, in effect, bully the bullies.

"Soon, however, gnomes all over the school started wearing the platform sneakers as well, citing the minute amendment.

"Unfortunately, this made the potential for bullying even worse, as those who could not afford the regular sneakers couldn’t afford the platform sneakers either. When these gnomes complained, they were told that all gnomes have a right to wear the platform sneakers. When you are bullied, we’ll be sure to prosecute the bully."

"Well," I interrupted, "that is not a big problem at all. It has an easy fix. All you need to do is make sure that known bullies are not allowed to buy sneakers. Problem solved."

"Actually, that exact idea was implemented. It was decided that a background check would be made with each sneaker purchase. If someone has a bully record, that gnome would not be allowed to buy them."

"So what was wrong with that?" I asked.

"It didn’t really work," the gnome answered. "Not only did it cost a lot of money to keep track of everyone’s bully record (not to mention that most wearers were not bullies and did not like the possible infringement of their right to buy and wear the sneakers), but a bully could always get someone else to buy the sneakers for them, or they could simply steal the sneakers from another gnome."

"I see that would be a problem," I acknowledged. "Why not just give everyone a pair of sneakers?"

"That would cost money. Since only those with money would be asked to contribute and those gnomes already had sneakers, none of those gnomes would go along with that idea. Besides, what kind of sneakers do we provide? There will always be someone with a better pair of sneakers."

I was beginning see the problem. "Well," I assured the gnome, "at least you don’t have to worry about the basketball team wielding too much power over the other gnomes because of their sneakers, right?"

"No, we don't worry about the basketball team anymore, but that has nothing to do with the sneakers. We don't worry about the basketball team anymore because the basketball team no longer uses sneakers to gain an advantage over other schools."

"What?" I exclaimed. "If the basketball team is no longer needs sneakers, why is there still a right to wear sneakers? Why not just get rid of the sneakers all together?"

"There are lots of reasons why not," the gnome responded.

"First, there are so many sneakers already available that stopping them now would have very little effect. Second, there is a large part of the economy that depends on the sale of the sneakers. Third, a lot of gnomes in power already have sneakers so they have no motivation to make them illegal. Fourth, a lot of gnomes collect the sneakers to practice juggling and making them illegal would just hurt their ability to practice their hobby (not to mention the part of the economy that depends upon this hobby)."

"And last, and probably most importantly, that would go against the minute amendment."

It is an interesting dilemma, I thought, but it didn't seem to be any worse of a problem than the gun control issues we've been struggling with.

"I still think our problem with guns is worse than your problem with sneakers," I stated. "By the way, if the basketball team no longer usees sneakers to gain an advantage over other schools, what do they use?"

The gnome looked at me. "They now use guns."

I'm glad my world isn't run by gnomes.